Sweetest Thing

Movie Review by Dr Kuma

Starring: Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, Thomas Jane, Selma Blair, Parker Posey

Director: Roger Kumble

The story: Christina Walters has one golden rule: Don’t search for Mr. Right, search for Mr. Right Now. That is until one night she meets the man of her dreams Peter (Thomas Jane), a property buyer, whose slogan is – ‘everything he touches turns to sold’. Christine doesn’t realise how much she likes him until the next day and phones the hotel where he was staying, only to find he’s left for a wedding, so ignoring her own rules, Christina and her friends take a road trip to track down Peter, encountering hilarious adventures along the way.

Whoaahhhh. Sorry, did I say hilarious? That was lifted from the press synopsis. That is the only way I could try and describe exactly what this movie is supposedly about. My review would have been a lot shorter. It simply would have said THE SWEETEST THING is S***!

I believe that this movie is aimed at the female market, but most women between the ages of 18 and 35 will find this funny only if they have had a tooth extracted that day. Let me fill you in on one or two of the classic scenes:

We have a dance sequence where the girls burst into song (in a FAME pastiche that doesn’t work) all about the size and shape of a guy’s dick called ‘Penis’. It goes something like: “It don’t fit there” while pointing at their mouths, fanny and arse, then saying they like it “hard” by stroking a glass, then getting a 90 year-old woman to back flip while signing all the dirty words. I kid you not!

We then have another classic scene where Jane Burns (Selma Blaire) takes a dress to the dry cleaners, which is covered in male semen. The dry cleaner, who knows her mother asks her what the stain is (he is obviously a eunuch) scratching it with his fingers before, as all dry cleaners do, he licks it to see what it tastes like. (Even the Farrelly Brothers would have disregarded this scene). By this time Jane’s old school teacher and her priest all arrive in the shop, although none of them are carrying anything to be cleaned? Wow! This, by the way, is the funniest part of the film. We then have one poor take off after another from various teen movies, each one of them getting more and more desperate.

The direction just scrapes ‘fair’ but the continuity is appalling. There are scenes where the women are talking on the street and you can see the lines the public has been told to stand behind. At one point there are about 40-50 people just standing watching the scene in the background, pointing at cameras etc. They were the lucky ones. At least they could walk away! In another scene, Peter leaves Christina’s house after he embarrasses himself. She then goes into her hallway for a few seconds and comes back out, only to shout for him and look ‘down’ the street she saw him walk ‘up’ about 10 seconds previously. I may sound picky, but spotting blatant errors like this were the only way I could sit there for at least 80 of the 87 minutes running time. This really is a dire film. How can movies like this be given a release date when they are so criminal? Dire, really dire.

Dr Kuma’s verdict: THE SWEETEST THING was the fresh air after I left the theatre after sitting through an hour and a half of utter crap.

1 out of 6 stars

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